From the mouth of the Mule (as stolen from others):
I want to like people, but they are just so frigging stupid.
I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than most I hear on TV.
You are not stupid, I just think you have had bad luck when thinking.
I hate people that say “He’s a nice person once you get to know him.” They might as well just say “He’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it.”
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact just surrounded by assholes.
Being popular on FACEBOOK is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a mental hospital.
In golf, people who play slower than you, usually are in front of you on the golf course. People who player faster, are behind you.
In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made Democrats
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
You may be a redneck if you come back from the dumpster with more than you took.
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Mosquitoes here got flashlights."
There are two different acc’ts of Eastern Airlines Flight 227′s landing at Salt Lake City:
My mother was a smart, shy Christian woman. Never cussed, OK once or twice when my mischief drove her up a wall. But near a Saint as I’ve ever known.
Not funny necessarily. Life was a more serious endeavor for her, more of tenderness, and nourishing and purposeful living than say a life time spent spinning yarns.