There are some stories told to make people laugh that are best delivered with a straight face… as if what you are saying is the absolute truth. Try the following eight dillies on someone you know. Don’t say I heard this joke, or listen to this joke, or anything like that. Say seriously, conversationally, “Hey listen to this…” When you finish just stop and look at the person without smiling. See what happens. But remember don't raise your voice as you come to the end, as in this is the end. Just keep your voice flat... and don't smile. Just look the other person in the eye with a straight, serious, face.
A young camper at summer camp asks the chaplain if “hard on” was hyphenated.
The chaplain replies, “What in heaven’s name are you writing home about!”
The young boy says, “I’m telling Mom and Dad about the project we worked so ‘hard on’.
Who said “patience is a virtue?” Why can’t “hurry the fuck up” be a virtue?
Man had a doctor’s visit. In addition to being a competent, caring medical professional, his doctor was a very attractive woman with a dynamite body. Her white doctor’s coat did not conceal her curves and she wore an alluring perfume.
She said, “Mr. Dunn you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
He said, “Why?’
She said, “Because I’m examining you.”
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.”
I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
Woman asked her husband to go to the store and get some of those pills that’ll get him aroused in bed.
He came back and handed her some diet pills.
A man goes to the doctor because he isn’t feeling good. After an exhaustive examination the Doctor – not known for a soothing bed side manner – tells the man that he has an incurable sickness and will be dead in 6 months.
“No, No, No. Tell me it ain’t so, Doc!”
“Yeap, dead in 6 months.”
“Isn’t there anything I can do, anything? Anything?”
“No nothing. You’re incurable.”
“There must be something I can do. Something.”
“OK do this. Every day I want you to go to a spa and take a mud bath.”
“A mud bath? Will that make me better?”
“No, but it will help you get used to dirt.”
Hoping to surprise her husband with a fancy new wig she found at Sears, wife put it on and went to his office. She stuck her head in the door and said, “Hey, big boy, wanta spend some time with me.”
Man looked at her for a long moment and then said, “Nope, you look too much like my wife.”
THESE 8 JOKES, ALONG WITH 658 MORE, ARE FOUND IN KESSLER’S HOMILIES. SEE THE “BOOKS FOR SALE” SECTION OF THIS WEB SITE FOR ORDERING INSTRUCTIONS.