From the mouth of the Mule (as stolen from others):
I want to like people, but they are just so frigging stupid.
I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than most I hear on TV.
You are not stupid, I just think you have had bad luck when thinking.
I hate people that say “He’s a nice person once you get to know him.” They might as well just say “He’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it.”
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact just surrounded by assholes.
Being popular on FACEBOOK is like sitting at the cool table in a cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Petting scorpions with a compassionate hand will only get you stung.
I don't remember where I was when I realized life was a game; the more seriously I took things the harder the rules became.
A reflection on a pool of water does not reveal its depth.
A superstar is like a roman candle, they shine bright. A teacher is like a lantern, they may not shine as bright, but they illuminate the path.
Wherever there is a light, there must be a shadow.
I do not live in the world as reported by the US media, or Hollywood, or the Boy Scout guide, or the Bible, or juvenile court records or AARP or the TV guide. My world has a more narrow focus, that is often absorbed with missing car keys, or a stumped toe, or what to do about dinner. I do not have lofty thoughts, or contemplate a bucket list. I tinker at the work bench in the garage and at this computer… in fact despite the media’s constant warnings of the imminent destruction of western civilization as we know it… I think that’s what I do now. Tinker. And as a life style, it ain’t bad. Good hours. Low expectations.
Thoughts from the sports world
"After you retire, there's only one big event left, and I ain't ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Norte Dame
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa
"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell Royal / Texas
“She’s too ugly to kiss good-bye.” On why Bum Phillips brings his wife on road trips.
“He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” Boxing trainer Lou Douva
“I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.” Heavy weight Rocky Graziano.
"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'" - Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget." - E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good." - Vic Braden, tennis instructor
"I don't know. I only played there for nine years." - Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost." - John Breen, Houston Oilers
"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day." - Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.
Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.
If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
It's like deja-vu, all over again.
You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.
You can observe a lot by just watching.
The future ain't what it used to be.
A lot of guys go, 'Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.' I tell 'em, 'I don't know any.' They want me to make one up. I don't make 'em up. I don't even know when I say it. They're the truth. And it is the truth. I don't know.
Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
I never said most of the things I said.
"All pitchers are liars or crybabies."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."
"How can you hit and think at the same time?"
"I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don't understand is how he lost five."
"I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads."
"If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?"
"I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary."
"In baseball, you don't know nothing."
"It gets late early out there."
"Take it with a grin of salt."
"The game's isn't over until it's over."
"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"He'd fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch." - Casey Stengel
"Why has our pitching been so great? Our catcher that's why. He looks cumbersome but he's quick as a cat." - Casey Stengel
"Yogi (Berra) had the fastest bat I ever saw. He could hit a ball late, that was already past him, and take it out of the park. The pitchers were afraid of him because he'd hit anything, so they didn't know what to throw. Yogi had them psyched out and he wasn't even trying to psych them out." - Hector Lopez
"Yogi (Berra), I came up here to hit, not to read." - Hank Aaron in the 1958 World Series & an answer to Berra after being told to turn his bat around so he could 'read' the label and not break the bat
"Yogi (Berra), you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" - Carmen Berra (Yogi's wife) "Surprise me." - Yogi Berra
"You can't compare me to my father. Our similarities are different." - Dale Berra
Before a live Yankee baseball game, a TV guy came up with his camera man, and asked Yogi if he'd participate in a little pre-game banters. Yogi said sure. The TV man said, OK this is what I'm goin' to do, when the red light on that camera goes on, we're live and I'm goin' say we're goin' do some word association with Yogi, I'll mention something and Yogi will say the first thing that comes to his mind. Got it Yogi, I might say "Whitey Ford" and you'd say " got the best split finger fast ball in the league." Got it, Yogi? Yea.
A few minutes later the light goes red on the camera, and the TV guys welcomes everyone to the afternoon, which they are going to start by playing a word association game game with the Yankee Skipper here, Yogi Berra. "OK Yogi, you ready?"
"OK, here the first... Mickey Mantle" said the TV guy.
"What about him?" asked Yogi.
There was another story of Mickey Mantle being interviewed live by a former baseball player, now a TV announcer. So the TV guy and the camera guy came walking up before the game. Mickey knew both the new announcer and the cameraman. New announcer was nervous and stood off the side going over his notes before the live interview. Mickey chatting with his camera guy buddy asked if he could turn the little light red right over the camera lens on,, without going out live, and the guy said sure, just hit this button and the light turns red, though you ain't transmitting.
So they quickly developed a pratical joke.... the camera man yelled over to the ex-jock that they were goin' live in two minutes and the new guy put out his cigarette and his notes and took his place in front of the camera with Mickey. Camera man said, "three, two, one you're live" as he reached up and turned the light on.
And the TV announcer started his remarks before turning to Mickey with some simple question.... and you know what happened.
Mickey said that he told all them M...F... before that he wasn't doing this s... for no God damned XELX))P.ZZZ XXXX, flipping stinking, horse shit organization especially with some new F... announcer who didn't know crap.
Mickey moved to look straight into the camera as he was talking and the new announcer was frozen in place. His eyes wide open looking where Mickey had been, holding the microphone where Mickey had been standing before.
And of course it didn't take long and everybody started laughing, telling the new guy how shocked he had looked when the camera man suddenly said, OK no fooling we are really live in "three, two, one..." And somehow the TV announcer found his voice and stumbled into the introduction and then asked Mickey a question and Mickey wouldn't open his mouth. Just stood there. And the new TV announcer guy almost cried.
In telling this story over the years, I have forgotten where they really were live that second time or not. I'll leave that to you.