My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
How to prepare Tofu:
- Throw it in the garbage.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
The only person who got their work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe
I drank so much wine at the party, when I walked across to the bar, I won the dance contest.
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to kiss my ass. Anybody who fits into my clothes ain’t starving.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully. A friend of mine just spent $95, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent him a magnifying glass. The only instruction said, “Do not use in sunlight.”