First, the primo, all inclusive one-liner, behind which everything we do or think should falls... is only 6 words:
drum roll if you please
The purpose of life is Happiness.
Make you plans for tomorrow accordingly.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian.” Well, nobody’s laughing now.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
My wife and I were happy for twenty-five years; then we met.
I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
Life is like a car-wash and I’m on a bicycle.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
Impotence is nature’s way of saying no hard feelings.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I have seen the truth and it make no sense.
I do not know if he was faithful, but he was ugly and that’s half the battle.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was only gathering dust.
You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
By the same token what do you call a boomerang that doesn’t back? A stick.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I'll be right over there standing outside. So if anyone asks, I'm outstanding.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 70-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon, and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out"?
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?
Money can't buy happiness, but it certainly keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because, well, these people were single. nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. Only Otis was married and he was drunk all the time. Coincidence?