What separates us from apes is our cognitive ability, our imagination and our soul.
Take that to the bank.
There are those who walk among us, though, who have limited intelligence, imagination and soul… and are, in fact mighty close to the ape profile… in that their lives are primarily about sleeping, eating, fighting, shitting and reproducing.
Nothing else really.
These lesser humans communicate, like apes, with grunts. Sometimes these guttural sounds come with set up words, but the notion’s still the same, primal grunts to communicate.
Here’s an example…
“Hey Dude look at that sunset.”
That "awesome" is ape talk. Go google a video of gorillas inter-acting. You’ll hear a series of what sounds to us like differently accented grunts.
That’s what I’m talking about, that what ape people do.
Here are some prime word-grunts in the human-ape vocabulary:
Adorable – That’s what’s used by apes 99% of the time to describe babies and puppies. Especially an ape women grunt.
Always – That’s sometimes used in reply when someone describes some of your talents… but there is no “always.” Nothing is “always.” Instead in life there’s change… always there is change, that’s the only always that makes sense to me. When you ask someone something and they reply “always” go find someone else… “Do you love me?” “Always!” If it’s a guy he’s really saying Always until a girl with bigger hooters comes along.
Amazing – I just finished a week-end watching football. I heard “amazing” 83,569 times by announcers to describe something a wide receiver or a defensive back or the Patriot’s Gronk did. Ape football announcers, maybe they don’t get out much, so maybe what they’re describing to them is “amazing.” But to most people what Chinese aerialist do on a pole is “amazing.” A wide receiver making a one handed catch is expected.
Awesome – OK let’s say apes are no longer allowed to use this most common ape word. Any other word they use as an alternative is better. Let’s limit the use of this word to the birth of a child or nature or the love of a good woman. Everyday events and sport things should not necessarily hold us in awe. We should have higher levels of reference for that word, and in the course of a regular day, it shouldn’t be used, say, more than two times. Life’s only amazing to a point. More than two occasions using awesome a day is a Hollywood overload.
Dude – Here’s what Wikipedia says about this word: “Dude is an old term, recognized by multiple generations although potentially with slightly different meanings. From the 1870s to the 1960s, dude primarily meant a person who dressed in an extremely fashion-forward manner (a dandy) or a citified person who was visiting a rural location but stuck out (a city slicker). In the 1960s, dude evolved to mean any male person, a meaning that slipped into mainstream American slang in the 1970s. Current slang retains at least some use of all three of these common meanings.” But now listen, someone saying, “Hey, dude,” to get my attention is just pure ape grunting.
Enjoy – You ever check out of a restaurant and the young lady behind the cash register says, as she hands you change for a $20, “Enjoy.” Maybe she thinks it’s a nice way to say, “I appreciate your business and hope you have a productive, enjoyable life. I mean it’s the least I can do, to wish you well.” Yea? I think she’s grunting, ‘cause she don’t know me, and if she were to find out what a scoundrel I am, she wouldn’t wish me good fortune in my scroundrelling. “Enjoy,” as in “here’s your change, good bye,” is a grunt.
Fuck – All right, all right, we’re to the main event in discussing the ape words. The F-bomb. In my lifetime that word has come out of the closet and is used now in mixed crowd just indiscriminately. I liked it when it still was sort of naughty to say it in public. Sort of Richard Pryoring my conversation. Now in 2015, the word is almost an accepted way to make a conversation real. I bet the Pope knows how to use it as an accent word… though in my world, Brenda is still very anti-the word. We certainly don’t use the F-word in my house, nor watch movies where its often use is conspicuous. Now don’t get me wrong Brenda has used it before… maybe 10 times… though we’ve only been married about 50 years. Average about once every five years sounds right. And if memory serves every time she’s used it was to emphasize comments about something I did or didn’t do. I have seen her at social gatherings where someone will walk up to our group and drop a couple of F-bombs and Brenda will not flinch, or frown, or show any reaction, until the person has moved on, but then she’ll show her disdain with just a look in my direction, without saying a word, but I know that look well. It says among other things, that person will never be invited to my home.
But now out of Brenda’s hearing, I’ll use it. With the guys I’ll use it. And certainly in written prose I’ll use it, because it has woven itself into my written communications as a set up word, attention-getter, the boss profane accessorizer. And yes, I mean to say here that I sometimes talk differently from the way I write. When I talk I don’t use the words peninsular or library or specificity or extra or Chicago, because I cannot pronounce those words correctly 100 percent of the time. But when I’m writing I sometimes look for the perfect word to convey a certain meaning, and often that perfect word is fuck.
But listen, don’t tell Brenda.
FYI – OK an ape person talking with an ape neighbor might say, “Oh, FYI, the mailman personally delivers the “male” to your wife every Wednesday.” I don’t know where that FYI comes from. Sounds like something Joe Friday would have said. To me it clutters up communications. Sort of an ape grunt to make sure you’re listening. Let me suggest higher thinking beings use “BYS,” instead of the tired old meaningless “FYI.” So it would go something like this, “Oh BYS, you ever notice how your son looks like the mailman?” BYS – Because You’re Stupid.
Irregardless – This is a blend of two words, irrespective and regardless… in the same way avoidable is a blend of words to mean what a bullfighter tries to do. However blending irrespective with its synonym regardless, is ape talk. A long grunt that isn’t necessary, like stupid asshole. If you’re an asshole, you’re stupid, and if you’re stupid, you’re an asshole. ‘course both of these words are ape grunts too.
Legit – I don’t have as much problem with this word as some others, but I’m not sure most people who use it are qualified to say whether something is or isn’t legal.
Like – This word, most often used by baby apes to litter a conversation, we used to say was valley girl talk. Now it’s pretty clearly ape grunting, that just seems to go away with maturity, like pimples. It is sometimes used with body language, as in, “ So I was like…” and maybe the ape person shrugs his shoulders. This ape is in a regression mode and will soon see his arms getting longer to the point that his knuckles drag.
Literally – Here’s a word that some people use that should send them to prison. I hate that word. You ever around me, be careful and don’t let that word pass your lips, ‘cause I listen and I have key spotters in my listening apparatus that pick up on particular buzz words – like for example “literally.” Not sure where my enmity towards that unnecessary grunt from the ape people comes from, but to me someone using this word is akin to sniffling in my presence. You ever talk with someone and they are constantly pulling snot back up their nose? One use of this word in casual conversation with me is equivalent to two hours of listening to a person sniffle, and it drives me crazy. Not only does the word not enhance communications, 135% of the time it is used incorrectly.
Love/hate – Now don’t get me wrong here, I understand the concept of love, and I understand hate, and I even understand a love/hate relationship.
I take these as extreme human emotions that only apply to some people in some situations.
However ape humans generalize all emotions and thoughts into love/hate. They become grunts. There’s the “love” grunt and the “hate” grunt and if these apes are confused, there’s the “love/hate” grunt… but they have no depth of meaning.
In my way of looking at life, a real person cannot “love” strawberry ice cream. Or “hate” the NY Yankees. It takes away from meaningful talk about Mother or cancer. Love and hate are words that should help explain and quantify extreme emotions. However they are used by apes to grunt signals of the generally good or the generally bad. Describing the ice cream flavor you particularly enjoy, should be a challenge to your imagination and to your vocabulary. Clearly the use of “love” here is just a grunt.
Never – Ah, here you have it again. Like Always. “Never” is an absolute, that rarely applies to what ape people are trying to say. “Don’t hit me again, Mama, I won’t never do that again.” Yea, until you have a chance. In an exclamation or negotiation, if you are human and honest, never use never.
Phenomenal – This word, that appears on most-hyperbolic word lists, now is on my list of ape grunts. It is a knee jerk word to describe anything unusual. If something out of the ordinary happens, like the Cubs winning a road game, well rather than do some human like thinking, often apes just grunt “Phenomenal.” You just want to go grab them by the neck and say Hey ape, think! Make God-damned conversation will you.
Ridiculous – Ah yes, the “I don’t like” ape phrase. What this grunt usually means to convey is that this – whatever it is – doesn’t live up to my ape standards. Now a difficult college exam is not in of itself ridiculous. Hillary Clinton, who wants to be our President, saying, “What difference does it make now?” about the death of 4 Americans under her command, is ridiculous. Ridiculousness is mockery, which is a pretty sophisticated mind game for apes. And aping that concept is grunting way, way over most apes’ head.
Transparency – In ape talk transparency is good because it seems to say… Listen, I got nothing to hide. Though for someone like me and some of my friends who spent a lifetime in intelligence, transparency of covert ops is not a good thing. Transparency in making sausage is not a good thing. Clearly seeing naked fat men and old women is not good.
Transparency does not always lead to true perception. In fact righteous transparency is a produce of the information age, as in, more information makes our lives better.
A thinking man might say, not necessarily so there, Kemo Sabe… thinking more is better, sometime ain’t right. Sometimes less is more, if you follow me here.
This word “Transparency” – used almost exclusively in the political arena now – should be an indicator to you of the ape-ness of the speaker.
Unbelievable – OK, going back one more time to this past week-end of TV football and the US Tennis Open, this word was used more than any other to describe something we had just seen. If we had just seen it, don’t you think we could believe it? Huh? Huh?
Now I cannot believe, or understand, where the universe ends. To me that’s unbelievable. And I cannot understand Brenda getting her nails done every other month. It’s not like mowing the grass, what the fingernails grew so fast now they have to be trimmed every 50 days?
But listen to me, a running back reversing his field or a tall Swiss rushing the net after a lob shot – is not unbelievable. Really… I just saw it, and it was replayed 15 times. 15 times with some ape-announcer’s voice over about it being unbelievable.
Which bring to mind an old Lewis Grizzard story – a friend of his went on a business trip to Savannah, Georgia… when the first afternoon he was laying on his hotel bed with his secretary when there came a knock on his door… and he knew it was his wife. So he got up, got dress, went to the door, walked pass his wife, got to the parking lot, got in his car and drove back to Atlanta. When his wife finally got back home, he absolutely swore he wasn’t in Savannah, wasn’t in any hotel room with some bimbo, was right here all the time… and would not budge one inch from that story… What, he’d say, you goin’ believe me or your lying eyes? And in time his wife just let it go. Now that’s unbelievable, but according to Grizzard, absolutely true.
Very – This word is a crutch ape people grunt to show a graduated enhancement, when other words could be used instead of trying to pimp up regular words. An ape person could say, “Yea, he was very angry” when a more descriptive human person might say, “That sumbitch stood there grinding his teeth, eyes glaring, spittle coming out of the side of his mouth, veins in his neck popping, face red, saying NO, NO, NO, I AIN’T NO DEMOCRAT.” See how that’s much better than the apish “very angry.”
Whatever – This is the end-all ape grunt, when no other grunts come to mind, “Whatever” is always there in an effort to get in the last word, before you turn away to scratch your ape ass.
So there you have it friends. Words that clearly point to our cultural decline to… the planet of the apes. Clearly this signals the degradation of human conversation in favor of lazier, easier ape grunts.
Barbarism lurks. You know what I’m saying?