Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Here’re some stories about those little short people out there.
Alpha: The teacher quizzed her 4th grade students about what they did with their parents over the previous week-end. One little boy said he and his Dad went to the zoo. Another girl said she and her mother made cookies. Jimmy in the back of the room stood up and said he and his father went fishing and caught a 950 pound shark.
Teacher said, “What!?”
“Yea,” Jimmy said, “hooked that sucker good on Saturday afternoon, fought him all that day and into the next. We were in a rowboat. Finally pulled him in mid-day Sunday. Nine hundred and fifty pounds.”
Teacher said she wouldn’t tolerate lying so she marched the boy down to the principal’s office. There she explained what had happened and the principal looked sternly at the boy.
Educated in child psychology, the principal said, “Jimmy if you lie, you lose credibility. Let me give you an example. Last weekend my daughter and I climbed Mount Everest and in reaching the top were caught up in an avalanche which carried us half way down the other side where we encountered a white polar bear that chased us to the edge of a cliff, but there a Chihuahua dog appeared and attacked the polar bear, killing him. Now, Jimmy, do you believe that?”
“Yea,” said the youngster, “That was my dog.”
Bravo: 1st Day of school. 1st Grade. Jimmy raised his hand and asked if he could go to the bathroom.
Teacher asked if he knew where it was. He said he did and he was excused.
He came back in a few minutes. “I can’t find it,” he said, almost crying.
Teacher explained, down the hall, to the right, first door.
Boy left. Came back in a few minutes. “I still can’t find it,” there are starting to be tears on his little boy cheeks.
Teacher sends another boy down to help. Other boy returns soon.
Teacher asked, “Did he find it?”
“Yea,” said the boy. “He just had his underwear on backwards.
Charlie: It snowed hard one Tuesday in February and public school was let out early. As the children were leaving a 4th grade teacher told her class not to play too long in the snow because they might get frostbite or, worst, pneumonia.
“When I was a child,” she said, “my darling younger brother – who was about your age – went out in the snow with his new red sled and caught cold. Pneumonia set in. Four days later he died.”
The teacher bowed her head after telling the story and then, clearly, from the back of the classroom, “Where’s his sled?”
Delta: A kindergarten student told his teacher he had found a frog.
She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.
“Dead,” he said.
“How do you know?” she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear.”
“You did WHAT?”
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst.’ He didn’t move.”
Echo: Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream…when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”
Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”
He says, “I wanna play Mommy and Daddy.”
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”
Figuring that she can control the situation…Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother rises up and says, “What do I do now?”
Johnny throws his hat down, looks gruff and says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
Fox Trot: The bossman needed to talk with one of his off-duty employees.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
“Is your Daddy home?” asked the boss.
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
“No,” the small voice whispered.
“Is your Mommy there?” asked the man.
“Yes,” came the faint answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“No,” again the small voice whispered.
“Anyone else there with you?” asked the boss.
“Yes, a policeman,” whispered the child.
There was a pause as the boss thought this over. Then, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer, but in the background the boss began to hear what sounded like a large engine.
“What’s that noise?” he asked.
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What in the world is going on?” asked the boss.
The child whispered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper!”
Suddenly greatly alarmed, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied, “They’re looking for me!”
Golf: An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. “You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead.”
“Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. “
“Whadda you gonna do then … pointa to you watch and a say, ‘Time Up!’”
Hotel: A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots were hard to go on. When the second boot was finally in place, she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, “They’re my brother’s. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Finally that task was accomplished and she asked him, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
India: A little boy got angry with his mother and decided to run away from home. “I’m leaving this crappy family for good, you hear. Leaving. For. Good. Goodbye.”
Mother continued to wash dishes.
“I am out of here. So long Johnny, I’m gone.”
Mother doesn’t turn around.
The boy walks outside, and then down the street to the park. He wanders through the playground and then wanders around here and there. Two hours go by. He gets hungry and decides his mother has been punished enough.
Goes back home and his mother is watching TV. He slams the door shut as he walks in. Mother doesn’t respond. Wanders around the house waiting for some sign that he’s been missed. Nothing. Just as he was about to give up, the family pup walks in. “Hey, Ma,” he yells, “is this the same dog you had when I went away?”
Juliett: Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?”
The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?”
“Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the fucking goalie!”
Kilo: Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only ten years old. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. ‘Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit’s adorable…………
All these stories taken from my Kessler’s Country Homilies