You got a favorite? Hell they’re mostly all bad in concept, terrible waste of time. Often louder than the sports program I’m watching, it’s like every fifteen minute some uninvited pitchman jumps in my face – in my own house – telling me things I don’t necessarily want to hear. Advertising things I don’t want.
Worst is the Viagra commercial. It seems to me they’re following me around. Nowadays it’s some middle age smoothie talking about my erections. Hell I don’t even know the lady – though my wife sitting right over there looking for my reaction out of the corner of her eye – but here’s this bimbo looking at me with that come hither look talking about boners. I am a 72 year old diabetic, lady, and your pitch is as welcome as a date with a 7 Day Adventist.
Hey but I’ve got a thought here… you know one of the media’s pet promotion is same sex marriage. And acceptance of the gay life style. I mean they’re big on this issue. Listen its out there, get over it, the media says. Yea? Why you figure only heterosexual men need Viagra, then? Why ain’t there some hunkahunka half naked men on the Viargra commercials, instead of some mid age busty woman, who if you’ll notice aren’t ever wearing wedding rings? Pls Viagra makers, pls consider supporting your media people by running a commercial with some actor named Rod Porn flexing his muscles in a mirror and then turning and looking into the camera when the voice over is saying something about when there’s that special moment, you want to be ready for action, so consider Mr Blue Pill… and then fade out as Mr Rod Porn just winks and smiles big. Why don’t they do that?
Because it’d creep out the majority of Americans, that why! Though fully grown, unmarried women coming into my living room during half time talking about my boners, is OK. Go figure!
And on to other TV ads, here in the SW we have those anti-smoking commercials that are right out of a sick movie dumpster. Often it’s this old haggard woman with a hole in her neck or a man with rotten gums who say we would have been Fred Astaire and Jennifer Lopez if we hadn’t of smoked 50 Camels a day.
And Flo, does anyone in my universe like that lady? Let me see a show of hands… who likes Flo? See no one, well no one that reads this post anyway. I worry that there is an after-life and I’ll have to go where they send Flo, and will spend eternity with that twit… and her Granola bar smile and that condescending manner.type that records every one of The View programs.
And among the saddest of all out where I live are these commercials where two or four happy people are laughing, stumbling down a sidewalk, and in an alley somewhere is this ugly ghostly cop who has a frown on his face, like I don’t like pretty people like y’all having fun, laughing and all. I’m goin’ bust your ass… you just wait… Not like the cops from my ol’ home town, who’d see me and Sally Mae stumbling towards my car, laughing ‘cause Sally Mae just said let’s go wake up Momma and tell her that joke about the pudding-pie… and that policeman would have come out of that alley and would have said, “Hold on there Kingfish, don’t go driving in my town as drunk as you are… Call Sally Mae’s Momma or something.” I guarantee that a good policeman would have prevented a lot of ass pain by nipping drunk driving before it started… rather than just stand there. Next time that commercial comes on, take a good look at the scrawny cop with the big hat. No wonder there’s Baltimore and Ferguson.
And I don’t know really what goes into why they run TV ads in which area of the US and Canada. I mean they don’t try to sell snow shoes in Florida… do they? There must be some thought as to demographics in where they run particular ads. With that in mind I want to know why in the SW they run rent.com ads with this shyster in a pink suit, talking street jive, on the grass of an apartment building talking for half the commercial about dog poop on his shoes. Now while the last thing the pitchman says is “Must have been a Shetland pony” is sort of funny, what does that have to do with renting apartments? Who are they appealing to? OK, OK, OK, I listen to the ad every time it comes to marvel again that someone is paying good money to show me dog poop on a man’s shoe, but why? Me?
And dogs. Somewhere there’s a core course in advertising in your local business school that’ll say somehow use a dog in making your pitch. ‘Cause everyone loves dogs. Yea? Well I do love dogs. We got three, one of whom don’t like commercials where dogs are barking. Bella, that’s my main dog, will got ape-shit when a big ol’ yellow lab goes bounding after a ball in some dog food commercial on the TV. Goes hysterical. And will stay on guard for an hour too, staring at the TV waiting for that yellow sumbitch to come back… Which is disruptive in our small little town house. I want a calmer, less stressed pet.
And lawyers. Where do they get these people? Strange looking hucksters in Vegas town. 100s and 100s of them. Their commercials air a thousand times a day, every one over the top of all things genteel… “In a wreck, need a check?” “We get you biggggggg money.” “Don’t fool around with the insurance company. Come see me. I’ll get you more money than you ever dreamed.” “Thinking bankruptcy? Come see me. I’ll do right by you.” And where do they get their ties? You ever notice? And who ties them in such big knots? It’s like loser golfers who wear white belts. Don’t support a lawyer who wears ties from Goodwill. Don’t use a lawyer who walks towards the camera with a scowl on his face, stops, turns to one side and crosses his arms…. just on anti-hokey principle.
And with the onset of the 2016 Presidential race I see no let-up in unwatchable TV political ad garbage. Even now I shudder to think how often Hillary will visit our home, smiling like a lying hyena, asking for my vote… Which I tell you won’t happen, ‘cause there’s about as much a chance of me voting for Hillary as there is of me writing in Al Sharpton for President.
Only saving grace for commercials nowadays is the truck and beer stuff. Now I can watch that. Commercials for slamming blaming giant trucks races coming to town and the 30 second ads on “The most interesting man in the world.” ’cause I like the idea… if you drink Dos Equis beer good looking girls hang around and you do real, real cool stuff.
Seems to me if you look for sense in all this, comes down to a choice between Viagra or Dos Equis.
I’m saying, “Stay thirsty my friend.”