abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
active socially: (performance appraisal term) Drinks a lot
acute alcoholic: an attractive drunk
ai no pei: (phonic Chinese) I got this for free
all: (country & western) A lubricant. As in, I’m going outside and put all in my truck.
alpha geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.
arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s
arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
argument: (women speak) A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just doesn’t get it.
artery: The study of paintings.
artificial insemination: copulation without representation
assmosis: (modbonics) The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do
bachelor: a man footloose and fiancée free.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
bandleader: Someone who can face the music.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.
bard: (country & western) Past tense of the infinitive to borrow. As in… Eileen bard the man’s chain saw.
bananosecond: Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
bare: (country & western) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. As in… Give that man a bare.
baloney: Where some hemlines fall
beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their resturant beeper goes off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
benign: What you be after you're eight.
bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
blamestorming: Discussing why a deadline was missed and who was responsible.
beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
body nazis – Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
burglarize: What a crook sees with
bustard: a very rude Metrobus driver.
bulletin: (churchspeak) Your receipt for attending Mass.
caesarean section: Neighborhood in Rome.
cantaloupe: (women speak) Gotta get married in a church.
cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
cedar – I know she wont sick, I cedar at Wal-Mart.
Chainsaw consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
civil rights: (liberalspeak) rights for liberals only.
clm: (modbonics) career limiting move. For instance, having the boss overhear you calling him a pitiful loser is a serious CLM.
coffee: a person who is coughed upon.
coincide: what you should do when it starts pouring.
coma: A punctuation mark.
connoisseur: Sewer. As in Damn you stink Jim. What connoisseur you crawl out of?
conversational minimalist: Quiet person.
consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
control: A short, ugly inmate.
counterfeiter: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
decide: Not in the middle, as in Bubba was in a hell’va fight but I stayed on decide.
depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.
did: Not alive. Usage… He’s did, Jim.
Diet Soda:. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
dilate: To live long.
digital: The art of counting on your fingers.
disappointment: (Ebonics) My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.
dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
dork: A whale’s penis or a stupid, crass man. Female version: twit.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
dum gai: (phonic Chinese) Stupid Man
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
ear: (country & western) A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. As in… He cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!
eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Elvis year: The peak year of someone’s notoriety. Monica’s Elvis year was 1996.
enema: Not a friend.
esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
eternity: 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.
expresses themselves well: (performance appraisal term) Speaks English
exceptional good judgment: (performance appraisal term) Lucky
eyedropper: Clumsy ophthalmologist
farfrumpoopen: (German) constipated
fat: (country & western) battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage… You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.
fax: (country & western) What you lie about to the IRS.
fester: Quicker than someone else.
flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
flatulence: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
fortify: What they charge on Canal Street. Dat hore said a ‘round da world is fortify.
foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Gargoyle: Olive-flavored mouthwash.
generica: (modbonics) Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.
giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
glibido: All talk and no action.
G.O.O.D. Job – A Get-Out-Of-Debt job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
great presentation skills: (performance appraisal term) Able to bullshit
gubmint: (country & western) A bureaucratic institution. Usage… Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
grocery list: (women speak) What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
hammer: (mechibonics) Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive or painful parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
hangover: the wraths of grapes
has leadership qualities: (performance appraisal term) Is tall or has a loud voice
haste cuisine: (French) Fast French food.
heart attacks: God’s revenge for eating his animal friends.
heroes: What a guy in a boat does
Heide: (country & western) Greeting
hire yew: (country & western) Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. As in… Heidi, Hire yew?
holy water: (churchspeak) A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Home cooking: Where many a man thinks his wife is.
hope: The dream of a waking man.
hook: (fishing term) (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings on said rod and reel.
Hu Yu Hai Ding: (Phonic Chinese) Are you harboring a fugitive?
husband – someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
incest: a sport the whole family can enjoy.
impotent: distinguished, well known
inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
intolerance: (liberalspeak) Disagreement with my point of view.
irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. Example: Idol.
Jaw-P?: means Did y’all go to the bathroom?
Jeet: Did you eat?
jiffy: 1/100th of a second.
july: To lie as in You tell your wife where you spent dat money or did july?
Jesuits: (churchspeak) An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
justice: (churchspeak) When kids have kids of their own.
karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Lady – a woman who makes it easy for a man to be a gentleman.
Lei Ying Lo: (Phonic Chinese) Staying out of sight.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Left Bank: What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
lymph: To walk with a lisp.
madam: For whom the belles toil.
M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
manger: (churchspeak) 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Midwife: The second wife of a man who marries three times.
Misty: How golfers create divots
Monage a trois: (French) I’m three years old.
morbid: A higher offer
Nacho cheese: What you call cheese that isn’t yours.
negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
No bai dam ting: (phonic Chinese) prices are too high here
No, Jew?: is a common response to the question, Did you bring any beer?
ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time when you realize you’ve just made a big mistake.
Optimist: An accordion player with a beeper.
osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
Peeping tom: window fan
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
pious: full of pie.
paradox: Two physicians
paradigms: twenty cents.
parasites: What you see from the Eiffel Tower
park: (women speak) Before children, a verb meaning, to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Paying alimony: pumping gas into another man’s car.
Pebcak: Tech support shorthand for Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.
Penis: (ebonics) I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said, Here, PENIS.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Polarize: What penguins see through
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
‘Possum: A real flat animal that lies on the side of southern roads.
Primate: Remove your spouse from in front of the TV
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy
PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
Quick thinking: (performance appraisal term) Offers plausible excuses
rats: (country & western) Entitled power or privilege. Usage… We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.
rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief: What trees do in the spring
rigor morris: (French) The cat’s dead.
Rod: (fishing term) An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
Rubber neck: What you do when your wife is tired.
Salmon job: (modbonics) work that requires one to swim upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
Second marriage: The triumph of hope over experience.
Seed: (country & western) past tense of to see. Usage… I ain’t never seed New York City… view?
selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does
serial port: (country & western) A red wine you drink with breakfast
shotgun wedding: A matter of wife or death.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Su Pah: (Phonic Chinese) Great
Starter marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stain: (country & western) Remaining, as in, Good to see Grandma, you leaving after lunch or stain?
stoppenzumfrumfloppen: (German) brassier
suburban husband: a gardener with sex privileges.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official
Sum ting wong: (phonic Chinese) That’s not right.
Synonym: A word you use when you can’t spell the other one.
Tai Ni Po Ni: (Phonic Chinese) Small Horse
tar: (country & western) A rubber wheel. Usage… Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.
testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
tire: (country & western) A tall monument. Usage… Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.
Teenager: God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
Tittle: The dot over the letter ‘I’
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.
tumor: One plus one more
Twit: A pregnant goldfish or a dumb female. Male version: Dork.
TV: A medium, because it is neither rare nor well done.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.
Umfriend: A sexual relation of dubious standing. This is uh… Dale, y…um…friend…
uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Wai Yu Mun Ching: (Phonic Chinese) I thought you were on a diet.
Wedding ring: a one-man band
will: A dead give away.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit’. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
work is first priority: (performance appraisal term) Too ugly to date
veni, vidi, vice: (French) I came, I saw, I partied.
Veni, vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Vice versa: dirty poems
vicious circle: Wedding ring.
Voluptuous woman: One who has curves in places some girls don’t have places.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Yu stin: (phonic Chinese) Your body odor is offensive.
Zymurgy: The last word in the dictionary. I don't know what it means.