Used to be having or not having kids was a well thought out decision a young married couple would make… rather than the random results of recreational sex. Back then tests were developed to determine if the couple had the aptitude to have kids, as follows:
TEST 1: Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds with a radio playing loud static. Then put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. Set the alarm for 3 AM but get up at 2AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45AM. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM. Go back to bed until 5AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Look cheerful.
TEST 2: Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed, then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Look loving.
TEST 3: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Last take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Look entertained.
TEST 4: Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment of your car. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the GPS. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. Look unfazed.
TEST 5: Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Go back in the house. Go back to the bathroom door. Wait. Go back out the front door. Scream. Go back into the house. Look patience.
TEST 6: Take a full grown goat to your local supermarket. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Look composed.
TEST 7: Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip the other half into your lap. Look happy.
TEST 8: Travel to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about half way and stick your nose in it for five minutes. Think in terms of doing this 3-5 times a day for two years, per child. Look unconcerned.
TEST 9: Make a recording of some shrill young person saying “Mommy” or “Daddy” repeatedly. Important… no more than a four second delay between each “Mommy” or “Daddy.“ Occasional raise the crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go. If you plan to have two children, play this tape while you try to think up answers to 6 questions about every animal, every building, every sign, every bridge, every shop window you pass along the way. Look fresh.
TEST 10: Find one large tomcat and a pitbull. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. Put the pitbull in the front seat. Now, try strapping the cat into the child’s seat. Look sweet.