Doctor Comments on Hospital Charts
“Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.”
“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.”
“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”
“Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”
“Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”
“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
“Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.”
“She is numb from her toes down.”
“The patient refused an autopsy.”
“The patient has no past history of suicides.”
“Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”
“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”
“Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”
“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”
“The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.”
“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.”
“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”
“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”
“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”
“On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.”
“She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”
“Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”
“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”
What You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Isn’t this the one with the really lousy insurance?
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
What do you mean, You want a divorce!
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
What’s this doing here?
I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
There go the lights again…
Ya’ know… there’s big money in kidneys… and this guy’s got two of ‘em, what’d you think?
Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing my concentration off.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?