Following are actual responses from little people under 6 years of age:
“Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
“When your dad is mad and asks you, ‘Do I look stupid?’ Don’t answer him.”
“Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
“Never try to baptize a cat.”
“Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.”
“Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
“My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth that most of us go to hell and burn eternally but I didn’t want to upset him."
“Stay away from prunes.”
“Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.”
“Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your Mom told you to do.”
“Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.”
“When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.”
“Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.”
“Home is where the house is.”
“For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.“
HEY KID, WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?
When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne and they go out and smell each other.
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.
Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and my daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
You really shouldn’t say I LOVE YOU unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
HEY KID, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE AND MARRIAGE? LIKE….
…how can a stranger tell if two people are married?
KID: “You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
…what do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?
KID: “Both don’t want no more kids.”
…. what do most people do on a date?
KID: “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”
…when is it OK to kiss someone?
KID: The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
…. is it better to be single or married?
KID: “Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”
…. what advice do you have for a young couple about to be married?
KID: “The first thing I’d say to them is: ‘Listen up, youngins… I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?’”
…. what would you suggest to make a marriage work?
KID: “Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!”
… how does a person decide who to marry?
KID: “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
…. about getting married for a second time?
KID: “Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one.”
…. how would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
KID: “There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
HEY KID, FINISH THIS PROVERB FOR ME….
Better to be safe than…… KID: ”punch a 5th grader.”
Don’t bite the hand that….. KID: ”looks dirty.”
It’s always darkest before……… KID: ”Daylight Saving Time.”
A miss is as good as a………………. KID: ”Mr.”
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…… KID: ”stink in the morning.”
Children should be seen and not… KID: ”spanked or grounded.”
If at first you don’t succeed…… KID: ”get new batteries.”
Don’t put off till tomorrow what………… KID: ”you put on to go to bed.”
When the blind lead the blind…….. KID: ”get out of the way.”
An idle mind is……….. KID: ”the best way to relax.”
Happy the bride who……… KID: ”gets all the presents.”
A penny saved is…………………… KID: ”not much.”
There are none so blind as……… KID: ”Stevie Wonder”.
Better late than……………………… KID: ”pregnant.”
HEY KID, TELL ME ABOUT THE SEA…
HEY KID, YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO GOD?
HEY KID, WHAT DO YOU KNOW FROM THE BIBLE?
“The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.”
“Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.”
“The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.”
“The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”
“Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.”
“The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.”
“Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”
“When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.”
“Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.”
“Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.”
“And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
“Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.”
“Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.”
“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”
“Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.”
“Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.”
“Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.”
“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”
“The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.”
“A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.”
HEY KID, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR MOTHER? LIKE…
…why did God make mothers?
KID: “She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.”
…how did God make mothers?
KID: “He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts”
…why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
KID: “God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.”
…what ingredients are mothers made of?
KID: “ God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.”
…. what kind of little girl was your mom?
KID: “I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.”
… how did your mom meet your dad?
KID: “Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.”
… what did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
KID: “She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year?”
… why did your mom marry your dad?
KID: “My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.”
… who’s the boss at your house?
KID: “Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.”
… what’s the difference between moms and dads?
KID: “Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.”
… what does your mom do in her spare time?
KID: “Mothers don’t do spare time.”
… what’s the difference between moms and grandmas?
KID: “You can always count on grandmothers for candy.”
… describe the world’s greatest mom?
KID: “She’d always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.”
… is anything about your mom perfect?
KID: “Just her children.”
…. what would it take to make your mom perfect?
KID: “On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.”
… if you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
KID: “She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.”
Hey Kid, What did you Mother teach you?
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC: “Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to really cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until we get home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when you get home!”
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
My mother taught me ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
My mother taught me HUMOR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me GENETICS: “You’re just like your father.”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS: “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me WISDOM: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
My mother taught me about JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
HEY KID, WHAT DID YOU TEACH YOUR MOTHER?
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The double pane glass in windows doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
A 4 year old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smokes… makes a lot of smoke.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft house almost 4 inches deep.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably don’t want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make orange juice from oranges. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
PlayDoh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence.
Super Glue is forever.
No matter how much JellO you put in the pool, you still can’t walk on water.
Pool filters do not like JellO.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches.
If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
MacGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know. So can Tarzan.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
HEY KID, YOU SMART?
TEACHER: Why are you late?
KID: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: How do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
KID: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
KID: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
KID: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Why do you always get so dirty?
KID: Well, for one thing, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Now, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
KID: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom’s a good cook.
TEACHER: Your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your
brother’s. Did you copy his?
KID: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
KID: Because George still had the axe in his hand?