Man kneeling in prayer in church, intones heavens with, “God, make me rich and keep me humble.” His wife kneels next and says more quietly, “God if you make him rich, I’ll keep him humble.”
Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador. “Hell with that,” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A clerk in a grocery store is standing by his cash register when a girl comes up with her cart full of groceries. She asked, “Will you check me out?” Clerk looks her up and down and says, “Not bad.”
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
Corollary: When you see a cat in someone’s front yard, this is something you know for sure: There’s a box of shit somewhere inside that house.
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!
On a McDonald job application a teenage boy wrote, in the box for Sex… “Occasionally.”
He who hesitates is probably right.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble with his mother.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS ‘together it spells ‘Theirs…’
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful and rowdy, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Mother talking to her son, “Jesse, you should be ashamed for calling your sister stupid. Now apologize.” Jesse, “Sis, Sis I’m sorry you’re stupid.”
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunchtime. She said, ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it, eventually.’
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still black.’
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said that she was expecting eight inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance,’ with a face like that!
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks, ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says, ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh, bejaysus,’ the man says. ‘do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks, mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.’
Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But, since many doctors now are Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!
If you have ever been listening to someone and a tiny bit of their spit hits your cheek, you know the dilemma… do you reach up and make it obvious that you are wiping the spit off your face, or do you just let it down your cheek?
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, “Where am I?” The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket, you dumb shit!
I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Some of the problems we face today are because the people who work for a living are now outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of WORD and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Having a bad day, are you?
Final story of the day: