First the cutesy stuff
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.
Gets progressively more into Mentalk from here on out
“I’ve been thinking about us.”
In MENtalk that’s…. “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
In MENtalk that’s… “He’s queer.”
“You expect too much of me,”
In MENtalk that’s… “You want me to stay awake and talk?”
“She’s, well, kinda cute.”
In MENtalk that’s…. “Kinda need to turn the lights out.”
“I had a wonderful time last night.”
In MENtalk that’s…. “Help me, who are you again?”
“Do you love me?”
In MENtalk that’s…. “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard,”
In MENtalk that’s… “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“I think we should just be friends.”
In MENtalk that’s… “You’re ugly.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately,”
In MENtalk that’s… “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
In MENtalk that’s… “She doesn’t like me.”
“I don’t know if I like her.”
In MENtalk that’s…. “She won’t sleep with me.”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
In MENtalk that’s… Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“We share the housework,”
In MENtalk that’s… “I make the messes. She cleans them up.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal,”
In MENtalk that’s… “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
In MENtalk that’s…. “I gotta turn on my answering machine.”
You know how bad my memory is.”
In MENtalk that’s… “I remember the words to the theme song of “F Troop”, the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Is MENtalk for… “You’re cutting into the time I spend on the golf course.”
“I’ll give you a call.”
Is MENtalk for…. “See you later alligator.”
“Of course I’m concerned.”
In MENtalk that’s… “Actually I don’t give a shit.”
“I have something to tell you.”
In MENtalk that’s…. “Get tested.”
“I’ve learned a lot from you.”
In MENtalk that’s…. “Next!”
It is OK for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
Unless he murdered someone in your own family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you’ve known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
Man should never know more than the 8 colors in the small Crayon box. That is; Red, White, Blue, Brown, Black, Yellow, Green, Orange. If by some evil turn of events some separate classification of between-the-eight-basics colors comes to your attention, you do not remember it. You hear “fuchsia” block that word from your memory by immediately going over the teams in the NFC-West. If a buddy mentions a between-the-eight-basic color, always ask him to describe it, only to signal that that isn’t anything you know about… do not listen to his explanation. Never under any circumstances show an ability to pick chartreuse out of a color line up.
Denim and camo are man-colors, appropriate for shirts, jeans, hats and jeeps…
Man should never know more than four types of dessert.
No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend’s birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
It is permissible to drink a fruity drink with a little umbrella only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… …and it’s free.
Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another man in the nuts.
And also, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
Never wear heavy cologne.
Never wear much jewelry.
Wear your pants at your waist.
No tats on the neck.
Do not put your sunglasses on top of your head when inside.
If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. Of course you have to tell him. Pointing is acceptable. Laughing is also OK.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – unless you’re with Ginghus Khan and can get away with it.
Never talk to a Man in a public bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. Also, every Man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go long. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly just a friend have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
When in a small apartment with a woman, and she goes to the bathroom, a man hears no sounds – no tinkling, no flushing… nothing. Only sounds that should come through is… if the toilet seat goes down, after the woman has taken a whiz.
When you are queried about your close buddy by the buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, bill collector, ex-girlfriend, you must not provide any useful information whatsoever.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call ‘BULLSHIT!’ Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
What with cell phones, Men to do not wait on other Men. If he’s running late and calls you about it, he gets 5 minutes. Wives and girlfriends will be late. If they are on time, you are late or they’ve done something wrong.
Before dating a buddy’s ex, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. However be prepared for a whipping if you tell him the sex was good.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Sorry, you will probably get hurt, but you have to join in. It’s one of the man rules and must be obeyed.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him…. Unless you know all the words and he doesn’t. Then you must sign louder until he stops. Thereafter it is acceptable for him to join in on the lyrics he knows.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
A man will never be afraid of thunderstorms.
Under no circumstances shall another man sit on your lap.
For men there is no watching men’s ice skating or men’s gymnastics. Ever.
Never, EVER slap another Man.
If it itches, it will be scratched. If it itches and you don’t scratch, check your gender.
When eating a banana, never look another man in the eyes and/or comment on the quality of the banana.
A Test to Gauge a Man’s Sensitivity and Caring
In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A.”I hope we can still be friends.”
B. “I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.”
C. “Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU.”
A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
General Advice to Men Born and Raised in North Carolina
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a rat’s ass.
TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won’t work.
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who cares?
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die you ass-wipe.
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: He needs training.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking idiot.
TRY SAYING: How very nice.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck you.