What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Guys are simple… women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
The Democrats seem to be basically nice people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
I want a pit crew… I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
I realize that I’m generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don’t care.
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let’s look at how plumbing works. A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.
(Women playing baseball) know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she probably would elect to save the infant’s life, without ever considering whether there were men on base.
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but — here is the big difference — in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You’re allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said “Charlie” on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.
So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and — I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area — headed right straight toward us.
Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I were not “many people.” We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you’re unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
I had this idea where consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR’s, to my destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called “factory service centers,” which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going, “Lookit all them WIRES in there!”
Another promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let’s say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would inflate — FWWAAAAAAPPPP — thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. (“Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.”)
This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker “Tip” O’Neil, are already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
Now, you might ask, “How do I get a complete home tool sets for under $4?” An excellent question.
Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, you’ll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and described as “Nine Tools in One”, consisting of a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct sunlight.