QUESTION: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
ANSWER: Because if it had four doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
QUESTION: How come people who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them?
ANSWER: 26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
QUESTION: What is a zebra?
And an alternate to that: ANSWER: If your cup is half full, get a bigger bra.
QUESTION: How do you get down from a horse?
ANSWER: You don’t. You get down from a goose.
QUESTION: Where was the toothbrush invented?
ANSWER: Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.
Plus 197 more. Yeap 203 altogether. From a misspent life collecting corny stuff.
QUESTION: Why doesn’t Smoky the Bear have any children?
ANSWER: Every time his wife gets hot, he hits her over the head with a shovel.
QUESTION: How can you tell if a woman has a big mouth?
ANSWER: She gets lipstick on her ears when she smiles.
ANSWER: A stick.
QUESTION: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
QUESTION: Why do husbands lie to their wives?
ANSWER: Because wives keep asking questions.
QUESTION: You know what the big N stands for on the University of Nebraska football stadium?
QUESTION: Why are poor women fat and poor men skinny rich women skinny and rich men fat?
QUESTION: How do you scare a single man?
ANSWER: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
QUESTION: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
ANSWER: At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.
QUESTION: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
ANSWER: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
QUESTION: What food describes most men?
QUESTION: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
ANSWER: Women working 900 numbers.
QUESTION: What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date?
ANSWER: A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
ANSWER: Opposites attract.
QUESTION: Why do men like smart women?
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
ANSWER: A light bulb can be unscrewed!!
ANSWER: Brothel sprouts.
QUESTION: What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
QUESTION: How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
QUESTION: If swimming is so good for your figure, explain whales?
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
ANSWER: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
ANSWER: A bad golfer goes, whack, dang it! A bad skydiver goes dang it! Whack.
QUESTION: Does killing time damage eternity?
QUESTION: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
ANSWER: About 5 drinks.
QUESTION: What’s another word for synonym?
QUESTION: What does a Georgian ask when told to spell Mississippi?
ANSWER: They’d ask, the state or the river.
QUESTION: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
ANSWER: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. A good philosophy is: No Pain No Pain.
QUESTION: Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
QUESTION: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
ANSWER: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
QUESTION: How is a woman like a laxative?
ANSWER: They both irritate the crap out of you.
QUESTION: How do you get a blonde’s eyes to twinkle?
ANSWER: Shine a flashlight in her ears.
QUESTION: How could you tell when it was bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
ANSWER: When the big hand touched the little hand.
QUESTION: How do you get off a nonstop flight?
QUESTION: Can you be proud of your modesty?
QUESTION: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
ANSWER: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the only reason why you’re going in, you ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
ANSWER: A padded headboard.
QUESTION: What is a man’s view of safe sex?
QUESTION: How come only women know the difference between beige, ecru, cream, off white, and eggshell?
QUESTION: What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
ANSWER: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
QUESTION: What is the difference between a HMO and the PLO?
ANSWER: You can negotiate with the PLO.
QUESTION: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.
ANSWER: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
QUESTION: Name the four seasons.
ANSWER: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
QUESTION: Which is better, to be conspicuous and reach up on your cheek to wipe off the little bit of spittle someone might have shot your way in a conversation or just let it drain down the side of your face?
ANSWER: A tourist.
QUESTION: What do you call a pretty girl in Alabama?
QUESTION: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
ANSWER: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer house.
QUESTION: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
QUESTION: Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
QUESTION: How does a blonde high 5?
ANSWER: She smacks herself in the forehead.
QUESTION: When we say something is out of whack, what’s a whack?
QUESTION: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
ANSWER: His lips are moving.
QUESTION: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
ANSWER: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
QUESTION: Did you guys hear about the Polish daredevil named Evel Kowalski?
ANSWER: He tried to jump over twelve motorcycles in a bus.
QUESTION: Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
QUESTION: How do men sort their laundry?
ANSWER: “Filthy” and “Filthy but wearable.”
QUESTION: How long is the average woman in labor?
ANSWER: Whatever she says divided by two.
ANSWER: Subordinate Clauses.
QUESTION: What do you call Santa’s helpers?
QUESTION: Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
QUESTION: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
ANSWER: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death. Plus think about this, ever cigarette you smoke takes an hour off the end of your life¼ which gets you out of that nursing home early.
QUESTION: What do women fake organisms?
ANSWER: Because they think we care.
QUESTION: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?
QUESTION: What do you call a smart blonde?
ANSWER: A golden retriever.
QUESTION: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
ANSWER: When you see teeth marks.
QUESTION: If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
ANSWER: Have a funeral.
QUESTION: What do you do in case of drowning?
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a blonde?
ANSWER: The prostitute says “Aren’t you done yet?” The nympho says “Are you done already?” The blonde says “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”
QUESTION: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine?
ANSWER: “Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!”
QUESTION: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
ANSWER: They all have phones.
ANSWER: A Religious movement.
QUESTION: What do you get when you mix holy water with milk of magnesia?
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a Redneck?
ANSWER: The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The Redneck gets emotionally involved.
QUESTION: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
ANSWER: Erotic is using a feather.. . kinky is using the whole chicken.
QUESTION: Do Roman doctors refer to IV’s as 4′s?
QUESTION: What is a Yankee?
ANSWER: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
QUESTION: If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
ANSWER: Smell his breath.
QUESTION: How can you tell if an Irishman found a $10 bill?
QUESTION: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
ANSWER: When she farts, her knees bag.
QUESTION: Did you hear the one about the guy who couldn’t spell?
ANSWER: He spent all night alone in a warehouse.
QUESTION: When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other cent?
QUESTION: If WalMart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing ain’t free yet?
ANSWER: Throw it off a cliff.
QUESTION: How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird?
QUESTION: If someone gets addicted to counseling, how would you treat them?
QUESTION: How do you tell men from women now they both wear pants?
ANSWER: The one listening is the man.
QUESTION: Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
QUESTION: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
ANSWER: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
QUESTION: What do toilets and an anniversary have in common?
ANSWER: Men miss them all.
QUESTION: How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
QUESTION: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
ANSWER: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
ANSWER: Dress her up as an altar boy.
QUESTION: How do you get a nun pregnant?
QUESTION: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
ANSWER: The location of the dirt bag.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ANSWER: Usually around 45 lbs.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
ANSWER: Usually around 45 minutes.
QUESTION: If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
QUESTION: Why do blondes like lightning?
ANSWER: They think someone is taking their picture.
QUESTION: When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
QUESTION: If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
QUESTION: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
ANSWER: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
QUESTION: You know how you can tell who owns the car?
ANSWER: When someone gets in and shuts the door, he’s the one who opens it again and slams it shut.
QUESTION: If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
QUESTION: Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
ANSWER: Both don’t work and you can’t fire them.
QUESTION: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
ANSWER: Finger on chin. I don’t know. Hits forehead. Oh I get it!
QUESTION: Can fat people go skinnydipping?
QUESTION: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
ANSWER: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
ANSWER: MaybeOnceInWhile Land.
QUESTION: Michael Jackson’s estate used to be called NeverNever Land. What was it called right before his death?
QUESTION: Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
QUESTION: In your car, when you’re driving along, looking for an address, why do you turn down your radio?
QUESTION: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
ANSWER: Sexual harassment.
QUESTION: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
ANSWER: $3.99 a minute.
ANSWER: 35 children is enough.
QUESTION: Should I have a baby after 35?
QUESTION: What do you call a woman with ESP and PMS?
ANSWER: A knowitall bitch.
QUESTION: If I were you, who’d be me?
QUESTION: How many rednecks does it take to eat a ‘possum?
ANSWER: Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.
QUESTION: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: Two, but how’d they get in there?
ANSWER: When the kids are in college.
QUESTION: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
QUESTION: “We’re going where? And what’s with this hand basket?
QUESTION: How do you know you’re leading a sad life?
ANSWER: When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”
QUESTION: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
ANSWER: Unique up on it.
QUESTION: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
ANSWER: Tame way, unique up on it.
QUESTION: How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel?
ANSWER: When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”
QUESTION: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
QUESTION: What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
QUESTION: Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
ANSWER: It’s OK Daddy, I’m not hurt.
QUESTION: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
QUESTION: What does a blonde answer to the question “Are you sexually active?”
ANSWER: “No, I just lie there.”
QUESTION: Can a stupid person be a smartass?
QUESTION: I love to give homemade gifts… umm, which one of the kids would you like?
QUESTION: What is the difference between a dog barking on the back porch and a South Carolina woman yelling in the front?
ANSWER: If you bring the dog in the house, he’ll stop barking.
QUESTION: How many weeks are there in a light year?
QUESTION: What did the Hagerstown University football player get on his IQ test?
QUESTION: What’s brown and red and black and blue?
ANSWER: A brunette who’s told one too many blonde jokes.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
ANSWER: The taste.
QUESTION: If all is not lost, then where is it?
QUESTION: Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
ANSWER: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.
QUESTION: How can a 12 year old whiskey whip a 32 year old man?
QUESTION: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
QUESTION: If women don’t fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
QUESTION: Why do blondes have more fun?
ANSWER: They are easier to keep amused.
QUESTION: What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
ANSWER: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
ANSWER: They’re trying to get away from the noise.
QUESTION: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
QUESTION: How does a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs?
QUESTION: What do you call a short psychic who escapes from prison?
ANSWER: A small medium at large.
QUESTION: If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
QUESTION: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why is that?
ANSWER: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
QUESTION: Is the glass half empty or half full?
ANSWER: Depends on whether you’re drinking or pouring.
QUESTION: If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “Quit while you’re ahead?”
QUESTION: Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?
QUESTION: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: One… men will screw anything.
QUESTION: How do you measure a blonde’s intelligence?
ANSWER: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
QUESTION: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
ANSWER: Blow in her ear.
QUESTION: Can you really have a civil war?
ANSWER: Comes from saying, “You want me to do what?”
QUESTION: Why do girls from North Dakota have crowfeet around their eyes?
QUESTION: When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
QUESTION: How are men like UFOs?
ANSWER: You don’t know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they’re going to take off.
QUESTION: You know how you can get real rich?
ANSWER: Buy fifty female pigs and fifty male deer and put them together. Then you will have one hundred sows and bucks.
ANSWER: From dating blonde men.
QUESTION: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
QUESTION: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
ANSWER: She has a checkbook.
ANSWER: Anything I wanted to.
QUESTION: You know what I did before I married?
QUESTION: How do you keep a jackass in suspense?
ANSWER: I’ll tell you tomorrow.
QUESTION: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
ANSWER: She says. “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
QUESTION: How many people from South Carolina does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ANSWER: What’s a light bulb?
ANSWER: Ugly sheep.
QUESTION: Where do you get virgin wool from?
QUESTION: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
ANSWER: Because they can understand them.
QUESTION: Why do men like blonde jokes?
QUESTION: What’s the difference between yogurt and Australia?
ANSWER: Yogurt has a real live culture.
ANSWER: Because they go and answer the door.
QUESTION: Why can’t you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
QUESTION: Why did God invent Armadillos?
ANSWER: So that Texans can have ‘possum on the half shell.
QUESTION: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
ANSWER: Because… a lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind.
QUESTION: What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
QUESTION: What was the best thing before sliced bread?
QUESTION: Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?
ANSWER: Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
ANSWER: “I’m sooo drunk!”
QUESTION: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
QUESTION: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
ANSWER: Because those men already have boyfriends.
ANSWER: Removable wingtips.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
QUESTION: Why is air a lot like sex?
ANSWER: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
QUESTION: Why did the man from Kentucky stand up with a piece of bread at the dinner table?
ANSWER: He wanted to propose a toast.
QUESTION: Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
QUESTION: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
ANSWER: No, not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
QUESTION: What is colic?
ANSWER: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
QUESTION: What’s the difference between outlaws and inlaws?
ANSWER: Outlaws are wanted.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
ANSWER: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
QUESTIONS: Do they have reserved parking for non handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
QUESTION: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
ANSWER: Yep, pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
QUESTION: What do you call a kitchen that has had its floor blown up by a grenade?
ANSWER: Linoleum Blownapart.
QUESTION: How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
QUESTION: Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
QUESTION: Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
QUESTION: New York? OK, it’s named after York, England. What’s with New Zealand?
QUESTION: I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
ANSWER: Authorized personnel only doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
ANSWER: It’s the one with bite marks on the cap.
QUESTION: How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
QUESTION: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
ANSWER: A fsh.
QUESTION: Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
QUESTION: Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?
QUESTION: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
ANSWER: Juan on Juan
QUESTION: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
QUESTION: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
ANSWER: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
QUESTION: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
ANSWER: “Are you sure it’s mine?”
QUESTION: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
ANSWER: Mace will do that to you.
QUESTION: Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
ANSWER: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
QUESTION: How can you tell the President in two letters, that you dislike him?
ANSWER: Write to him twice.
QUESTION: Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
QUESTION: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
ANSWER: Because it helps them remember which end to wipe.
QUESTION: What is the difference between men and women:….
ANSWER: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need…A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
QUESTION: If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?